Limericks about the New Testament

A total of 27 books make up the official canon of the New Testament Bible. That’s easy to remember, because three is the number of the Holy Trinity, and 27 is three raised to the third power.

Unlike the irrefutable certainty of mathematics, however, the message of the New Testament and the alleged words of Jesus are subject to great debate. Now, I don’t claim to have a monopoly on the holy truth, but that’s never stopped me from being feverishly opinionated.

Hopefully, the following limericks about the New Testament will offer a fresh perspective on the Greatest Story Ever Told. The androgyny of our Savior and the legacy of Biblical misinterpretations are topics especially worthy of head scratching and hand wringing. But whether or not these limericks can save your soul, who can say for sure?

With that in mind, I’d like to wish you all a splendid and glorious holiday, whether you spend it at the mall with a credit card in hand, or in the pews making a joyful noise unto the Lord, or in the kitchen with a litany of recipes to satisfy all of your family’s dietary restrictions.

Judas Iscariot
There’s a two-faced back-stabbing apostle
Who acted suspiciously docile
Although Jesus Christ
Was hardly surprised
The outcome was kind of colossal

Dial “M” for Martyr
A fool lost the world while gaining his soul
To speak from the heart was the ultimate goal
But the listeners were few
And while trying to be true
The price of salvation exacted its toll

Jesus Christ
There was once a newborn Nazarene
Whose mother was perfectly clean
Was He the Messiah
Or just a pariah
Making trouble for Mujahideen?

Mercy at the Window
Jesus, He stands, with his hands at the door
At the thunder of knocking you wonder what for
But a gossamer specter
You didn’t expect her
And quietly, Christ, She advances with more

Let There Be Logos
Knowledge for some is a switch to be flipped
A matter of wisdom so easily gripped
The single solution
A word of locution
And risen like flesh from a stone-covered crypt

High Crimes
Two thousand years of a scriptural heist
His message was scrambled, His words have been diced
As churches and pastors
Submit to new masters
And not even close to the teachings of Christ