5 Reasons Isaac Asimov’s dirty limericks are truly awful

Isaac Asimov is one of the most prolific writers in the English language. He practically perfected the genre of science fiction. His quantity of books about Shakespeare and the Bible verges on the miraculous. His writings on popular science could fill a good sized library. In total he wrote or edited more than 500 books over the course of a career than spanned the better half of a century. Is it possible that he has also written some of the worst limericks of all time?

As a matter of fact, yes. Unlike his brilliant science fiction stories and his formidable volumes of non-fiction, Asimov’s dirty limericks are ineloquent, arhythmic, juvenile and tedious. While lacking in the traditionally moving meter, they also insist on the subject of “screwing”. But rather than alluding to the conjugal act with clever innuendo, these dull and dirty limericks display zero sense of subtlety.

Must every limerick be naughty?

Personally, I don’t think it’s necessary for a limerick to be naughty or obscene. But it’s so easy to get a laugh with a dirty joke, so some people just can’t seem to resist. And for the last hundred years or so, sexual innuendo has become an almost essential characteristic of the five-line rhyme we call the limerick.

When Edward Lear brought the limerick to public attention with his Book of Nonsense in 1846, it was more like a collection of nursery rhymes, intended for a very young audience. People weren’t calling them limericks back then, but the classic format was undeniable. And Lear proceeded to publish another couple of nonsense anthologies until 1861.

So limericks didn’t start out so saucy and risqué, and they needn’t always be so. But some writers find the temptation irresistible. Something about the whimsical rhyme scheme, the bouncing meter and the sense of tension created in lines 3 and 4 seem to make the limerick especially suitable for the lewd and off-color subject matter.

I have written my own fair share of shameless limericks (see below), but I include them among a broad spectrum of topics, rather than make it the focal point of my creative energy.

If it’s great and naughty limericks you’re looking for, you should check out these collection of The 14 most famous limericks and 7 Kinky limericks about feet.

Examples of Asimov’s dirty limericks

I don’t have a categorical objection to naughty limericks per se. But it takes more than vulgarity to make a good limerick. It should also be clever and witty. Here are several examples from Isaac Asimov’s dubious body of work.

     A Sultan said sadly, “One strives
     To please all my fifty-six wives
             But, alas, intromission
             Gives me the condition
     That’s commonly known as the hives

     Cleopatra’s a cute little minx
     With a sex life that’s loaded with kinks
             Marcus A. she would steer amid
             The palms and Great pyramid
     And they’d screw on the head of the sphinx.

     The once-steemed Lady Hortense
     Contracted from one of our gents
             A social bequest
             She passed on to the best
     With what we feel was malice prepense.

     There was a sweet girl of Decatur
     Who went to sea on a freighter.
             She was screwed by the master
             -An utter disaster-
     But the crew all made up for it later.

     Said a woman with open delight,
     “My pubic hair’s perfectly white.
             I admit there’s a glare
             But the fellows don’t care
     They locate it more quickly at night.

     A feminist, fetchingly scented
     In a charming hotel room she’d rented
              Had picked up a guy
             In the street, passing by,
     And when she said, “Right on!” boy, she meant it.

My objections to Asimov’s dirty limericks

Not every one of Isaac Asimov’s dirty limericks is truly terrible, but to summarize, here are the five things I like least about them.

1. Overt misogyny: Perhaps it’s not fair to judge the poetry of one era with the social norms of another, but in the age of #MeToo, most naughty limericks just won’t fly. Granted, it’s traditional for limericks to exceed all standards of decency, but they ought to be at least as clever as they are offensive, and I don’t think that Asimov’s succeed.

2. False or awkward meter: Asimov was certainly educated enough to understand the correct meter of a limerick, and for the most part he gets them right. But in too many cases the stressed syllable has to fall in an awkward place to make it sound right. The 4th line of the 1st limerick above, for example, you need to emphasize ‘me’, which isn’t very natural. And it took me two or three readings to get the last line of the last limerick to work. (Emphases need to land on me, on and meant.)

3. Lack of word play: One key element of good limericks is the word play, including puns and double entendre. I rarely find this with Asimov. Nor does he seem to use any alliteration or internal rhyming, devices that can add a little something extra to the limerick.

4. Lack of subtlety: A smart limerick can be dirty through suggestion and innuendo, rather than being blunt and obvious.

5. Brazen pomposity: Despite his limericks being less than amazing, the author seems to have an incredibly high opinion of himself. Consider this exchange from the back cover of his Lecherous Limericks.

“The question I am most frequently asked is ‘Asimov, how do you manage to make up your deliciously crafted limericks?’

“It’s difficult to find an answer that doesn’t sound immodest since ‘Sheer genius!’ happens to be the truth.

Furthermore, he accompanies each and every limerick in the collection with a paragraph or two of commentary. Generally, this means smothering himself with praise. You only have to go as far as Facebook to find more titillating and well-crafted limericks than these.

No offense

By now, you must think I’m quite an uptight stick-in-the-mud. But I suppose it’s time to put my money where my mouth is. So in order to prove that I’m not a complete prude, here’s a handful of my own dirty limericks, just for fun.

     There’s a sleepwalking swinger from France
     Who studied the lines of my pants
             As the shaft of my frenulum
             Swung like a pendulum
     Soon she fell into a trance

     There’s a student who studied at Scripps
     With a master’s in how to read lips
             So she taught me the skill
             And it gave me a thrill
     For her volumes were bound by two hips

     Oh, men and the base imperfections
     They can’t even ask for directions
             Shifting and shoving
             Now passes for loving
     With pills to provide their erections

     I once sung my lady a ballad
     She rendered my praises invalid
             It’s awkward confessing
             That when I’m undressing
     She’d rather be tossing a salad

     A fellow unfit for monogamy
     I might even mutter misogyny
             And though he abuses
             He hates leaving bruises
     So later he likes to massage her knee

     I once met a harlot from way over yonder
     She left me an itch which I scratch as I ponder
             And I hope she returns
             Cuz my member still burns
     For an abscess, I’ve heard, makes the heart become fonder

Conclusions

How could such an accomplished writer produce such tasteless limericks? It’s hard to say. Certainly some of them were worse than others. And he wrote an impressive number. But in case you’re determined to indulge yourself in an orgy of nasty limericks, here’s a list of his grossest anthologies:

• Lecherous Limericks (1976)
• Limericks: Too Gross (1978)
• A Grossery of Limericks (1981)
• Asimov Laughs Again: More Than 700 Jokes, Limericks, and Anecdotes (1993)

But if you ask me, you’ll be better off reading his Foundation Trilogy, a bona fide sci-fi masterpiece.

Further Reading

If you’ve enjoyed reading about Isaac Asimov and his dirty limericks, please consider sharing the post or subscribing to the blog. You might also want to check out some of these popular articles:

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